I've started this blog as a way to reflect on and gain feedback. I figure I've done enough stewing inside, and need to let this out.
Humans are flawed creatures. We are all imperfect, but it takes exceptional courage for someone to admit their flaws. Humans aren't wired to like being wrong, or to accept being wrong- that's why gamblers keep dumping their money into the casinos hands, and why some people take forever to get out of shit relationships, if they ever do. For the longest time, I was in a bad relationship, mainly because I wasn't able to admit failure. I spent two-and-a-half years with a man who obviously wasn't right for me, because I didn't want to admit to anyone (especially my family and friends) that I had failed. I didn't want to have to come back and hear from so many that they were right and I was wrong. I was ashamed for ignoring so many warning signs when I thought I was smarter than that. I finally got out- I admitted it was a toxic, negectful relationship that I had no business being apart of, and I've been putting the pieces back together since.
Luckily, my family understood. They've helped me get back to being me, instead of bulldozed-over afterthought my ex treated me as. I'm happy again, but I'm still working out of my system the flawed thoughts and defensive attitude that had become my norm. I see most men as dangerous, capable of lying, cheating, manipulating, hurting someone to get what they want. Even now, I find myself doubting things that come out of my boyfriend's mouth just because it's what I'm used to doing. I'm slowly reteaching myself that my nickname shouldn't be "bitch", and that real men don't hurt you to get you to do what they want.
But I know that I'm also in the wrong about some things I do. I am quick tempered, and easily annoyed. I am particular about how things are done, and I'm a control freak. I come across as a dangerous woman when I'm being myself, mainly due to my morbid sense of humor. I know where my boundaries are, but rarely do I communicate them to others. I'm also paranoid about how I look to others, and I don't take many risks. Honestly, I'm not 'fun'. I'm a homebody, and I'm quick to shoot down others ideas due to my constant concern about Murphy's Law. I want a simple life with few risks.
I am human, and I strive to make my life better. Every day I take a step to heal and move on. Every day I take steps to be the woman I should be, and be the significant other I would want. Every day I will look forward, and not turn back to the past. I will live every day.
